🤣 “Banks pay me not to Hack them” 🤣
There have been times when I have been watching a heist movie and they pull out the blueprints for the job they are about to pull off and I wonder to myself how these guys are able to understand bank schematics so easily, I mean they are robbers not architects and these things look super complicated!!! Of course that was until I saw a movie that dares to actually show you the blueprints in full and pull back the curtain… Dear readers I am about to blow your mind with this exclusive, this is what those blueprints actually look like:
A short while back I reviewed NO budget indie flick Mothers Child and I was somewhat smitten with this train wreck of a movie. Now I have to be honest and say I do have a soft spot for the lower end of the budget movies because you tend to find that while the budget is small… The intent, the dream big attitude, the talent and dare I say it the cojones on everyone involved is massive. Mothers child and its crew are the exception. Now let me just take a moment to say that I believe some people got into that project with the best intentions but the 7,692.5 fake reviews on IMDB just proves not everyone did. Fuck that movie… And Fuck that movie twice on Sundays!!!
Which brings me neatly onto World Cup Heist… It would seem a good chunk of the gang are back together for what promises to be an exciting heist movie starring the mega talent that is Lee Westditch and his mate Swayze Longman the “working mans double act”. With a trailer that puts the line “banks pay me not to hack them” right up front, last time I saw these two on screen together they were trying to talk a 60 year old lesbian into a threesome!!! your damn sure I’m watching this.
WORLD CUP HEIST
Director: Lee Westwick Writer: Lee Westwick, Swaylee Loughnane
Cast: Lee Westwick, Swaylee Loughnane, Daniel Eghan
So I guess there must of been a short movie or something that precedes World Cup Heist because we meet Paul (Westwick) and Rick (Loughnane) after having pulled off a 4million dollar heist over in NYC. Now they are back in London and have had word from from their pal in Copenhagen about a multi million pound heist and it involves the World Cup!!! Apparently. So now Paul needs to assemble a crack team of robbers to complete the heist but one thing is for sure… nothing and I mean nothing can trace back to him, as we are told multiple times throughout the movie with lines of actual dialogue in this zero stakes caper.
First things first, I will give credit where it is due.. The first two minutes of this movie are actually pretty decent, it sounds good, looks good and kind of has me thinking ‘hold on, we might have something here’. Then our main character opens his mouth and the flick descends into a lot of up and down sound problems, inconsistent camera work, some unbelievably trash dialogue and truly some of the worst acting I personally think I may have ever seen not mention an incoherent plot.
I generally can’t remember a moment where the dialogue for these actors felt remotely natural and the awkward delivery was made worse by the bottom of the barrel talent of our misfit duo. Loughnane himself is trying to hold down an excruciating American accent that when he first opened his mouth had me howling with laughter. Westwick doesn’t need to rock an accent because as he explains with some Janky exposition he spent 1 year In Leeds, yes this is a line of dialogue “1 year in Leeds and his accent was gone” take a bow movie script. However he does on occasion unexpectedly slip into an American accent, I assume not to be outdone by his co-star so he decides to Brando the hell out of the scene. The one almost shining light talent wise was Daniel Eghan who seems to be so happy he is making a movie (evident by the looking at camera) but is clearly delivering lines while the crew stand off camera with a metaphorical gun to his dogs head. I don’t like to bash people who are clearly trying there best but Jesus even Viagra doesn’t produce anything this stiff.
So the titular Heist is on. We have the “Brains” of the crew in Westwick, he plans the whole job with expert precision but needs to make sure nothing can point back to him (he reminds every character of this at every turn). Swaylee is the “Muscle”? and has a somewhat bizarre arc including a Rocky relationship that genuinely makes no sense. Eghan kinda just gets the team together (I assume because the other two where getting stoned in the caravan during these scenes, nice Scott Pilgrim reference for you). There is a security guard as their inside man. I say man but honestly I was 50/50 on this and in 2021 you really can’t assume gender. This person is shot and killed for no reason whatsoever and while lying there dead has one hell of a cheesy smirk, where the hell was this person found.
I am giving this next guy his own little paragraph. Honestly I don’t know which one of the faceless IMDB credits this little old boy was but he almost steals the movie when they have just pulled off the job and he tries to do a runner with the trophy, at this point the flick descends into a Benny Hill sketch, strangely though this is one of the few things that actually makes sense here given this dumpster fire of a movie.
However unlike Mothers Child this movie is only 80 minutes making it 3 hours and 17 minutes shorter (probably due to the lack of stolen library stock footage). Making this movie fairly quick viewing, I mean yeah it’s a horrific disjointed ocular searing shit show comedic mess of a movie but it’s a quick watch at least. I’ll even save you another 7/8 minutes by letting you know the last 7 to 8 minutes of the movie are utterly pointless. It really feels like Westwick just said point the camera at me and I’ll improv the hell out of this last scene but what actually happens is a slow painful breakdown of the man as he realizes he has no idea how to finish his movie or the talent to fake it till he makes it.
Obviously I wouldn’t recommend you watch this flick and it’s so heinous I wasn’t even going to review it but after looking into it a little further I found this team are out there faking reviews and laurels in other peoples names so I thought hey why not put an honest review out to the people. I like going into movies with the mindset of ‘change my mind’ because I may not have liked your last project but I respect the film making process and the indie scene enough to check out your next one. However this team are bastardising the process with a wreckless amount of toxicity
I look forward to their next project and hope they make a monumental leap and prove me wrong. I’ll be the first to admit it!!!
World Cup Heist is on Amazon Prime not but in all good concious I cannot and will not recommend it. Why not just check out No Reasons or Death Walks instead? Both on Prime and both very very good.
It gets Half a Star out of 5 for me.